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Letter of Demotion

DATE: 19/04/19 Counterfeit Era

NAME: Gruetac

FORMER DESIGNATION: Under Deceiver, 3rd Class

NEW DESIGNATION: Apprentice Miscreant

EPITHET: Disgraceful

REASON: Repeated failure of strategic missions; violation of protocol in the act of deception and subtlety; gross incompetence; and, above all else, losing paperwork.

REASSIGNMENT: Minion Gruetac shall report to the Reeducation Bureau in Deepest-darkest, Hubei, PRC for remedial training in deception and the art of wickedness. Failure to comply will result in weeping and gnashing of teeth, followed by pension reduction.

To be signed and notarized in triplicate.

Secretary General of the Universal and Infernal Empire, Legion

SIGNATURE: Gruetac

DATE: 20/04/19 CE

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10/05

Apprentice Gruetac,

Your letter of complaint has been received. Rest assured that your pathetic bleatings have fallen upon deaf ears.

It appears that you have forgotten that you have no voice, you insolent cur. This is not a democracy. We are superior. You obey us without question.

The Committee has taken note of your lack of gratitude for your lenient punishment due to your latest mishaps. Continued sniveling will result in swift disciplinary action. Consider this your final warning.

Must we remind you of your status? Food and accommodations during probationary retraining are not intended to be adequate or even tolerable. The cheery darkness of that land more than makes up for the lack of modern comforts.

We advise you to spend less time bemoaning your situation and more time on your studies.

After completing training, you will be contacted with instructions on how to redeem yourself from your disgraceful condition.

Do not test our temper, worm.

Secretary General, Legion

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Gruetac,

We are writing to inform you that your probationary period is drawing to a close. In order to descend into the lower order of spirits, you will be expected to demonstrate sufficient knowledge of deception and general dark matters by performing a task of grand devilry, without a chaperon.

We advise you to plan carefully and select a task worthy of the good graces of our malevolent Lord of Darkness. Do not repeat the failure of your previous mission, due to lack of subtlety. After completion of your task, you will be expected to produce a ten page thesis (single spaced) on the subject, in which you will be required to detail the proper etiquette of devilry and ultimately defend it against the ridicule of a panel of three hellish fiends. Think carefully before choosing your topic.

Approved topics include:
  • inciting mass murder and/or genocide
  • causing economic collapse
  • rigging election results (not applicable in your location)
  • causing pastors/religious figures to fall into sin
  • triggering a world-wide pandemic
  • prompting disobedience to parents in school-age children
  • sowing seeds of discord among brethren
  • sparking violent riots
  • inducing mass hysteria

Your report and thesis will be expected before the end of the year. And it had better be worth our time.

We are waiting.

Legion

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Gruetac,

We are writing to inform you of the approval of your thesis topic. As soon as it is in your possession, send us a sample for our experts to examine. We must analyze it thoroughly to learn the ideal attack vectors.

Once approval has been granted, proceed with your plan. Do not deviate from standard procedure. Ensuring that your role in the deception is undetected is of utmost importance.

And do not forget to muddy the waters. The origin must be untraceable.

We are confident that you will find the unsanitary nature of these lower beasts easy to exploit. We have found that nothing is more deliciously unsavory than a street market.

Remember, these entities come in a variety of potency and uses. The unmentionable one created them for his cursed purposes. But, with proper corruption, we can bend them to ours. Careful selection is warranted.

We eagerly await the specimen for examination in our facilities.

Do not be sloppy, apprentice.

Legion

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Our dear Gruetac,

It is with chilling delight that we receive your package. The members of the Agenda will be thrilled to hear the news.

We have begun our preliminary examinations.

The timing couldn’t be better. With Spring Festival approaching, the effects shall be most widespread indeed. We congratulate you on your cunning arrangements, even if they are serendipitous.

But be warned. At this stage, a minor misstep could jeopardize the entire operation. We need time to evaluate the subject’s taxonomy, severity, latency, et cetera, et cetera. Once this has been ascertained, we will know how to continue.

If this is truly what you claim it is, we may finally have what we need to rid us of the cancer of humanity once and for all.

After we have launched the attack, it is paramount to prolong the discovery of our novel friend as long as possible. We must perform this with absolute precision.

Do not proceed further at this time. Keep a low profile, and by all means, stay vigilant. We know your track record of misplacing important things.

Also, we will need you to fill out a form 73/175-L to waive your claim to any and all patents, royalties, and/or intellectual property rights of your discovery.

Yours in darkness,

Legion